Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Arrrr! I Missed Talk LIke a Pirate Day! (Yet Invented my Own Special Holiday)

Yep.. I heard it through the grapevine, via other blogs the Talk Like A Pirate Day came and went. Go check that site out. It is darling!

The Just Johanna girls had a few challenges, as did a few other sites. The goal was to make pirate type cards. I watched it all from a distance, but just could not muster up me timbers to get off me bloody ars and participate. Nope. It was on September 19th, Friday, first day of moving Huffalumps (Heifers) and Woozles (Direct Market Beef). No fun to be had.


I really think such a monumental day should be closer to Halloween, when we are more than likely willing to be sportin' our Pirate and Wenchy attitudes.. Come to think of it, I know a few Wenches. Perhaps I should give those girls a call. Stir something up. Now I am in the mood!

*****

But then there was today... which really was a match made in Heaven for Talk Like a Pirate Day..

No, I take that back. Today surpassed Talk Like a Pirate Day. It was more like.....

Curse Like a Sailor Day!

Yep. Little ol' me was really lettin' the sails flap out there early this am.

It all started with another love note from Mr. Sexton who had to leave before the crack of dawn to take 8 beef on a road trip. He needed me to move the Huffalumps again, by my lonesome, and go out and feed Jessie, along with all the other stinkin' chores. It was a pleasant morning, dressed in my Eskimo Gear (have you seen my jester ski hat? HOT!)... and scraping the ice off the four-wheeler seat.

  • The day started with 25 degrees of frosty weather.
  • The kids are both are home sick with colds
  • I am sportin' a close 2nd to their illness
  • Mr. Sexton left about 6:30 am
  • I went out at 7 am
  • Returned at 8:30 am. Hotter than heck, wearing considerably less clothing - call it a fever, hot headed, or catching the bug. I don't care. The flames are still flickin', and I had to get those things off! Paramenapaus?
I think the cause was my battle with a *$#) stretch gate!

(Warning.. Foul language ahead.... )

Oh.. what is a stretch gate, you ask?

It's made of barbed wire, looks like a gate when stretched, (about 4 strands of barbed wire, with posts every 4 feet or so) yet when lying flat is a tangle of disaster waiting to trip any unsuspecting animal or human. These things are typically long enough so a truck can pass through.

Did I mention you have to stretch it to make the gate? As in who ever invented these things did not leave any room for 'play'? No extra inches to the gate? YOU MUST GET IT RIGHT AND HAVE ARMS MADE OF STEEL TO CLOSE THEM ?????? AAAAAAA!!!

Phew.

My job was to drive through field A which contained the Llama and sheep
Get to the *&#&# stinking stretch gate, which was closed, and separated Field A from Field B
Open the stretch gate,
to get into field B, where the Huffalumps were, so I could take down a hot fence so they could have more grass.

Oh.. The #&*((* stretch gate was stretched across a water hazard (I love that golf term!), aka ditch.

I had no intention of driving through the gate, I just wanted to open it a 'teeny weeny' so I could walk to the other side, then close the Son OF A B*#&.

That gate had no mercy. The inventor, also made this handy little device, called a stick, that is chained to the fence. You are to use it like a fulcrum to wedge it against the gate, pull it and the gate to the fence, then undo the loop of wire over the gate post to have it suddenly become limp and useless (the gate). You do the reverse to tighten the gate, but oh the gate and the loop of wire tend to not want to 'hook up' when it's time to close the gate!!! Which is where all sailors came to pay homage to me today.

I fought with that Son OF A B#^$ for several minutes. Super long, start tearing your clothes off and sweating minutes.

The stick thang is made for right handed folks. I am convinced. My husband dissagrees.

I am left handed.

And you need upper body strength.

I have none.

I could open the gate.

And close it on the 'right side' when I could use my left arm with the long end of the stick.

But, gee, to close it on the 'left side' with just the stub of the stick, was not working for me. I did try turning it around to have the long side, but it was not agreeing with me. I am so left brained! Or is it right brained? I confuse myself....

Hence, my Curse Like a Sailor Day... And boy did I let it rip.. And rip... and rip. This keeps the tears at bay. Tetering on a breakdown. Foot stomping, those sorts of things.

Goodness!

The neighbors most certainly did not have their windows open, too cold. Or, they would have been shocked.

The dogs got a few new terms for their card playing nights.

I thought about tying the damn thing with my jester hat and leaving it that way. But I did not want to be responsible for the Huffalumps getting mixed up with the sheep and Llama.. Bad mojo.

So.. I went back into Field B, the Huffalump side, closed the F(#*$n gate. then crawled through a section of barb wire to get back into field A.

And that was the beginning of my day.

Gads.

I'll take a photo of that gate later.

11 comments:

Suzanne C said...

I am sorry for all the hard work and frustration. But I did enjoy your description of the gate and the whole incident! I kept thinking about heffalumps and woozles after your last post. hee hee

Jenn Biederman said...

Wow, Andi, you did have quite the morning! Ranchin' & farmin' means hard work...grew up on a farm & my least favorite part was when my dad would have me help corral the cows. Hated that. Seriously. Thought they were going to run me over. :) Silly me...

Hope your day starts off better tomorrow! :)

Sweet Blessings said...

Oh, my cowgirl friend...I so know how you felt today...like running away to a warm beach in Mexico where there are NO animals or to-do lists :D Maybe Mr. Sexton will sense your need for some TLC :D I hope the rest of your day went better and I'll be praying the kids & you feel better soon. Sweet blessings!

Lisa Renéa said...

Love your new holiday idea!
LOLRITF Your posts always tire me out and make me laugh! I don't know HOW you do all that you do!
Superwoman!

Tami B. said...

I will not complain about a single chore on my list today. You, my friend, work so much harder than me on any given day. I hope today is a little easier. I have to read down about those other critters you mention ala Seuss. I have a tendency to celebrate curse like a sailor day when I attempt to sew something. LOL

~Stacy said...

OMGosh, i have let my self forget about those gates... :) sorry for your curse like a salior day but oh my gosh am I grinning over your way with words. (as usual) thanks for the smile girl! hope you feel better soon!

Anne said...

Oh my! I've had days like that! They start off with one #$(*&@# gate and then everything thinks it can act up, and before you know it, you have a full-fledged riot on your hands! Here's hoping that things turn around soon! :-)

And thanks for your continued thoughts and well-wishes. Definitely lots and lots of movies in my DH's future!

Sue McGettigan said...

ROFLMAO Andi - I think your 'Curse Like a Sailor Day' sounds like a Holiday we can all get behind at some time or another :) Good luck to you and those F*@%* stretch gates Lefty :)

Sandy said...

Oooooh goodness, Andi, I'm exhausted from just reading your account! You are quite the storyteller...are you starting that manuscript yet????? (((hugs))))

glitzen said...

Oh gosh, you explained this so well, and I soooo know the feeling of not being able to muscle something into place that is SO easy for the big guy! Not fair! I stomp my feet too, stomp stomp.
I am hating that gate for you. LOL.
In honor of talk like a pirate day, a little joke for you: what is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

My little nephew told me that one.

Kerilou said...

Oh, my, you poor thing!
Keri