Sunday, January 29, 2017

Wishing for Peace for Grace

Comfort Food - Grandma's Chicken Soup - Today, for my Soul



Us - A good 35 or so years ago

Us - A Year Ago
Grace Walsh.  January 20, 2017

My mother is dying.  She is slowly dwindling away, getting smaller and smaller each day.  She used to weigh a lot - I am guessing close to 170 pounds, at 4 foot 11, and now she is less than 100.   She is only 74 years old.  Or is it 75?  Cancer of the liver.  Diabetes. 

This has been a slow painful process for her and us.  Obviously, she carries the most physical pain.  For us?  An emotional roller coaster.  Guilt.  Frustration.  Trying to let go of all the past.  Hoping for peace for her.  

I remember the July day almost two years ago when she sent a message out to all of us that she wanted to die.  She was wanting help with assisted suicide, in a State that did not allow it.   We were all shook up. I sat outside, afterward, on the front door stoop, in a daze.  Wondering 'is this real?'. 

It was.

After she was able to stabilize with new meds, and go into remission, we were offering advice, solutions and the the plea to 'please, get help now before it is too late' with all of her affairs.

My sister Avis has been her caretaker.  She carries all the weight of seeing and dealing with our Mother's decline and series of medical emergencies, emotional ups and downs, the pain, the horror, the sorrow, and now, the heartache and closeness of watching her slip away, day by day.  I pray for Avis daily.  I pray for her continued strength and wish she wasn't doing this alone. 

I called our mother a week ago.  Broke my heart.  She was upbeat, and said she was happy and comfortable in the new home she has been moved to. But she was tired, and had to cut our conversation short.

I did get to tell her I love her. 

I cry off and on... some days are good, some days bad. Thoughts go toward the good memories, moments I hope over power the others that are deeply buried.  Where I hope they remain.  Forever.  Locked away. 

One morning on my drive to work this past week, I kept smelling a beautiful floral scent.  Spring.  Something between oranges and jasmine.  I thought, 'this is it'. This is my mother saying hello before she says goodbye. 

I wish for Peace for my Mother, Grace,  as she travels this last journey here on earth.