Sunday, March 2, 2008

Got PMS? This is a MUST read!

I just had to lift this little gem! I LOVE it! Thanks Thanh Vo! (Those Just Johanna girls all have a great sense of humor.. I'm thinking I need to hook up with them one of these days!)... I can so relate to this woman, since, uh, I am a customer of the very same company... wings and all! (love the little F-16 jest, but I'll let you read!)

This is an actual letter from an Austin,Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter:

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.


Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX


Dawn said...

LOL, This really had me in stitches. SO SO SO SO funny. Gotta love it!!

Sandy said...

Ohhhhhh my!!! lol!!! I am SO glad I'm past the need for those, but I'd love to still be buying them so I could join in the boycott! rofl!

ginny said...

Copy and send to every woman you know. NOW!

Sue McGettigan said...

Oh this is WAAAAAY too pertinent - I can't even process this right now :)

Leslie said...

What a riot! I am so sending this to my favorite women and encouraging them to read it after a class of wine and with a bag of chocolate close at hand. This woman should get a citation for contribution to women world-wide!

Penny said...

ROFL!! Sooo funny, I am going to pass this on over here.

Love all your circle cards! Good going since you were sick.

And just a little update , I am a happy bunny as I have found a free-range butchers here only 10 mins away selling all local meat :)

Kerilou said...

I saw this somewhere recently..I agree..completely gut wrenching!! I love it and agree wholeheartedly! Kerilou

liannallama said...

LOL! For some reason I got on their mailing list so they send me a package with a bunch of stickers and notepads that said HAHP! on them! Do they really think I am going to use those!? YIKES!

Lauren said...


I showed my hubby one of these "have a happy period" things and he just didn't get it! But this... i was laughing and hooting reading this just now!!!! So glad that the guys in the office didn't bother to ask why!!!!! :) :) )

Colleen formerly of South Africa said...

The letter was funny...and congrats on the loss of the pounds.

Jacqueline said...

Definately good reading!

Giovana said...

I love it!!!! makesme laugh and I agree 100%.
I will pass it on.
God bless

~Stacy said...

hee hee hee...
Im so glad you shared this,
I needed a laugh!

Memawsboy said...

I needed this laugh to